Bread or Sex Joke

Wife: Honey can you please help me cleaning the garden.
Husband: do I look like a gardener?
Wife: ooh sorry honey, OK then fix the bathroom door.
Husband: do I look like a carpenter?…

Then husband walks out, after coming back from where he went, he found the garden cleaned and the door fixed.

Husband: I knew my wife will do this all by herself.
Wife: no its not me.

Husband: who then!
Wife: John our neighbor
Husband: you paid him how much?
Wife: No, he just gave two options, bread or sex.
Husband: I hope u gave him bread
Wife: do I look like a bakery!!!!!

Nyeri TV Shows

1. La Muher Di Mi Vita
2. Family Batters
3. Final Destination Ward 5
4. True Blood
5. Njeri Springer Show
6. The Beat
7.The Event
8. Finding Nimo (Akishakuslash na Panga)
9. So you think you can fight
10. Girls of the Panga House Mansion
11. Keeping up with the KATArshians
12. The good wife-beater
13. Mumeo must die
14. Bruises Almighty
15. Beauty and the Beast
16. My Knife and Kids
17. How I beat your father
18. Waitherero: The Last Bodybender

Bend over – Kenyan theories

It’s true that…..
When a village girl BENDS OVER, she must be collecting firewood.
When a Luo girl BENDS OVER,shes collecting stones to throw.
When a Kalenjin girl BENDS OVER,shes about to compete in a race.
When a kisii girl BENDS OVER, shes trying to cheat in exams using mwakenya on her slippers.
When a coast girl BENDS OVER, shes simply sweeping the floor.
When a church girl BENDS OVER, the Lord is pleased with her prayers.
When a Nyeri gal BENDS OVER be careful she might be searching for a panga to slash somebody
When a nairobi girl BENDS OVER, the whole club goes CRAAAIZY…!!

Pick up lines za Kenya

*Girl uko juu kama kamba ya kujinyonga
*Babe I am planning to run a family will you be my running mate?

*Babe are you an mpesa agent ,coz nataka kuweka na nitoe.
*Babe you legs must be a police cell ,coz leo na lala ndani
*Girl i was reading the bible in the book of numbers and I realized that I didn’t have yours.

Kamina and his naughty daughter

Kamina came in the bedroom to find his 13- year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. “My God! How long have you been smoking?” screams the father.
“Since I lost my virginity,” replies the girl.
“You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?” shrieks the father.
“I don’t remember,” says the girl. “I was completely drunk.”

My award winning composition

I was asleep snoring ng’rrorrr ng’rrorrr. The chicken shouted 3 times.I opened 1 eye & left the other to sleep a bit. I was wishing I had slept with my uniforms putted on but I realized if wishes were chickens beggars would be laying eggs. I woke up …with only 1 eye open & I was looking where the pramastof was put, I wash my face.
I cooked a tea without milk. I drank the tea haphazardy & hurriedy with a piece of sadza which had remained last night. I put on my uniforms & then painted myself with fat & becoz there was no kiwi i had to paint my shoes with fat to. I took my paperbag put books & pens then ran everything.
I beated the 1st corner hardly then as i was beating the 2nd corner I heard the school bell cry nkgrirriririri ngkririrriri! I knew my buttocks were on fire 4rm teacher on duty.
When i reached the gate!! You dont want to know!! Mr Dube was standing at the gate with a big black hozpipe.I was so afraid dat i almost urinated.I was asked ”Y are u late?” i said my pramastof was poured with water last night” teacher asked ”What had dat to do wit your coming to school late?” I told him the stove was late to burn so it delayed cooking strong” he said ”dat is no excuse!!Touch your toes to greet the world”
I started to remove my shoes so i can touch the toes but he told me i just meant bend. He gave me the 1st beating on my buttocks,he he he it was hot & boiling,i dried dat 1. He gave me the 2nd one papa!!dis one was much hotter & i started hearing to cry. When the 3rd one was given to me i heard so much pain dat i touched my buttocks.
Teacher Dube said ”You have erased dat 1,i will have to give u another 1” When i was given the 4th 1 tears started getting out of my eyes uncountallably. The teacher said ”You removing tears 4 who?I dnt want to see even a smell of tear, ran to class & dont late tomorrow!!”
My buttocks as i went to class were hearing as if sitting in a burning pramastof. From dat day i sware i’l neva come 2 skul late.

Kalenjin Ipod playlist

1. Zama Team – Faibs Gatel
2. Krunet – Pruno Mars
3. Mizin you – Bisi Siknol
4. Chendil man – B unit
5. Pyurivul Bibol – Grease brown
6. Mirror – Litul Wayne ft. PrunoMars
7. Job my money – P square
8. Holitei – Ting Tong
9. Kot to laf u – Shon Bol
10. Jeater’s Brayer – Gris mardin
11. Kal a papol – Goneshens

How different tribes in Kenya pray

KAMBA:Father we pray u give us rain, and give us seeds after rain, also give us jembes, give us relief food in august……
KIKUYU:Father we pray u protect Equity isiibiwe, eve my pick up and my cow to increase milk, i thank u fo ire merry go round yetu. .
LUO:GOD thank u for the prime minister, i thank u fo my Mercedes even after the BMW crashed, i pray fo Kenya to be digitalised ,i do away with
my DSTV decoder
Luhya:God thanks fo bringing me to nairobi. . Thanks for even taking me to kawangware ,…….

Luo man and the robber

A LUO Man is being attacked by a robber…..

ROBBER: put your hands up!
LUO: Hey bwana, you can’t sout near my new prado even if you are Osama….. Oooh U R a robber….. Can I see Ua Weapon….

[Robber removes his weapon- A PANGA] …
LUO: You can’t be serious….Do you know that I am a Manager! How
do you want tomorrows headline to read…. That A MANAGER HAS BEEN STABBED TO DEATH BY A PANGA!
Take this 10K, go and hire a gun with silver bullet as I wait for U here!