Nyeri TV Shows

1. La Muher Di Mi Vita
2. Family Batters
3. Final Destination Ward 5
4. True Blood
5. Njeri Springer Show
6. The Beat
7.The Event
8. Finding Nimo (Akishakuslash na Panga)
9. So you think you can fight
10. Girls of the Panga House Mansion
11. Keeping up with the KATArshians
12. The good wife-beater
13. Mumeo must die
14. Bruises Almighty
15. Beauty and the Beast
16. My Knife and Kids
17. How I beat your father
18. Waitherero: The Last Bodybender

Lady calls police station to report rape

Lady on phone!!!!
Hallo…Hallo???? Is that the Police
Station?? A man has broken into my house
n is rapingme right now! Can you
aaah…aaah…O h Yeah!…aaa…a aarrest
him tomorrow….

Rev. Stumble and Njoroge

Rev STUMBLE : Everything comes from above!
> >Njoroge : Vitu vyote huja juu juu,

STUMBLE: So you see my brothers and sisters,
> >Njoroge :…….Basi ndugu zangu waangalieni akina dada,

STUMBLE: know perfectly well,
> >Njoroge :……Na muwajue vizuri sana

STUMBLE : That all world affairs,
> >Njoroge:………Kwamba mipango ya kando yote duniani,

STUMBLE: are successful only if held from above,
>> Njoroge :………….Hufanikiwa tu ikiwa mmeshikana juu juu.

STUMBLE: Remember, faith is your pillar,
> >Njoroge:…Kumbuka kuuamini mlingoti wako,

STUMBLE: Keep it first and above,
> >Njoroge :…………..uuweke kwanza juu juu.

STUMBLE: Let it run very deep and strong,
>>Njoroge :……………Ndo kisha uukimbize ndani kabisa tena kwa nguvu,

STUMBLE :Should anybody want to test you,
>>Njoroge:…………..Mtu yeyote akitaka kukuonja,

STUMBLE :……will feel its work,
>>Njoroge :……………Ataisikia kazi yake

STUMBLE: >Then from deep inside you’ll feel peace pouring out,
> > Njoroge :……..ndo kisha baadaye utasikia kutoka ndani sehemu moja ikimwagika nje,

STUMBLE: That peace will flow and enter even those you are with,
> > Njoroge :…….Sehemu hiyo ita tiririka na kumwingia uliye naye,

STUMBLE: and that peace will remain.
> > Njoroge :…………..Na sehemu hiyo itabakia.

STUMBLE: Amen.
> > Njoroge :………… Huyo ni mwanamume

The 75 year old lady and her hat joke

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Sex? Over my dead body!

A police officer caught Chali having sex with a dead woman.

Police: Hey,how can you rape a dead person? Are you mad?

Chali: No Constable am not mad, Me & her we had an agreement.

Police: What agreement?

Chali: two years back i asked this woman to have sex with me and she said “OVER MY DEAD BODY”

Funny toilet joke

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my question

Not exactly legal. It’s smart anyway

A man goes on a night out with his friends the wife becomes furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him.At about midnight, the man comes back and knocks. The Wife tells him “Go back and sleep where you are coming from!” Judging by her tone of voice that her fury is about to overflow, the man answers “Relax I’m not here to sleep, I’m here to collect condoms in my room on top of the table or just give them to me. There are lots of pretty women at the party!”

The wife immediately opened the door and said “You are not going anywhere come in here before I change my mind!”

I don’t think that’s exactly legal.

Lupita Nyongo Jokes

Overheard: Other Kenyans making it big in HollywoodKenyan media has in recent times been flooded with news on achievements of Lupita Nyong’o.

Well, someone’s complaining. He lists all the other Kenyans at Hollywood who, he claims, are not getting their fair share of local publicity.

I don’t know how he came up with this list.

Says he:

We’ve had; Robert Okello ( R.Kelly)

Alice Akinyi (Alicia Keys)

Bruce Olayo (Bruce Lee)

Anold Oswaso Onigo ( Arnold Schwarznegger)

Vanda Omondi ( Van Damme)

Sara Ofino ( Sarafina)

Sina Obando (Sinbad)

Tom Mc’Oruso ( Tom Cruise)

Ololo Kujo( Ll Cool J)

John Orambo ( John Rambo)

JaSondu Othamo ( Jason Statham)

And he continues: Even this man that was with Lupita Nyong’o in 12 years a slave..is a Somali/luo, But do we say? Dongee?

I don’t know about you, but the list looks quite authentic to me. Mark you, I’m not a cinema enthusiast.

Revealed: Secret to a happy marriage life

“I once asked my friend, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”

He replied,”You should share responsibilities with due love, and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems. “I asked, “Can you explain?” He said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues whereas my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”

Still not convinced, I asked me him to give me some examples.

He said, “Smaller issues like how many kids to have, the neighbourhood to live, which car we should buy, how much money to save, who, when and where to visit, which sofa, cooker, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not, where to go for holidays, whose mum we should visit etc, etc, are decided by my wife. I just agree to it.”

I then asked, “So then what is your role?”

He said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, the uranium enrichment in North Korea, whether Britain should lift sanctions against Zimbabwe, how to fully exploit Africa’s economic and intellectual potential, whether Yoweri Museveni and Barack Obama should retire, whether Arsenal FC needs to buy new players or change their coach to improve their play, whether Usain Bolt should retire now-while still at his prime etc, etc. My wife never objects to any of these
decisions and we live happily!”

Simple. Isn’t it? Happily ever after…

Exploring what breaks their hearts

Hakuna kitu inavunja Mluhya roho kama kuona mtu akitupa ugali.Hakuna kitu inavunja Mmeru roho kama kuona mtu akitupa miraa.

Hakuna kitu inavunja Maasai roho kama kuona mtu akifyeka nyasi.

Hakuna kitu inavunja Mkikuyu roho kama kupoteza pesa.

Hakuna kitu inavunja Mjaluo roho kama elections kuibwa 2013.

Hakuna kitu inavunja Mkamba roho kama…?