Bend over – Kenyan theories

It’s true that…..
When a village girl BENDS OVER, she must be collecting firewood.
When a Luo girl BENDS OVER,shes collecting stones to throw.
When a Kalenjin girl BENDS OVER,shes about to compete in a race.
When a kisii girl BENDS OVER, shes trying to cheat in exams using mwakenya on her slippers.
When a coast girl BENDS OVER, shes simply sweeping the floor.
When a church girl BENDS OVER, the Lord is pleased with her prayers.
When a Nyeri gal BENDS OVER be careful she might be searching for a panga to slash somebody
When a nairobi girl BENDS OVER, the whole club goes CRAAAIZY…!!

Economic discussions on indulgence and investments

Woman: Do you drink beer?Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 4

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 200

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs 200 and you have 4 beers a day which puts your spending each month at Sh24,000. In one year, it would be approximately 288,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend 288,000, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at 5,760,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Range Rover?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: What colour is your Range Rover?

The last Sunday…

Pastor said: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”.

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”.

Again the congregation cried, “Amen!”

The pastor finished preaching and sat down.

The deacon then stood up and said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”.

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH….

Jay A on a visit to his girlfriend’s home

ROF (girl’s father): Karibu, nang’o?

JAY A: am good mayne, livin in the sky…

PROF: iwacho nang’o? (what have you said?)

JAY A: am sayin’ am easy bruh.

PROF: sokay adhiambo naambiamimi we iko boyfriend yake?

JAY A: yeah cuz, she ma girl.

PROF: we iko jakanye?

JAY A: sorry?

PROF: nasema we iko mtu ya wapi?

JAY A: from the states recently yo! But i rep the west coast bruh…

ADHIAMBO: dad, owacho ni nyocha koa amerka lakini odak westlands narobi. (dad, he says came from America recently but resides in Westlands)

PROF: kwa ivyo ye apana sika nasonol languages, ye nasika tu intanasonol donge?

JAY A: dumbala dumbala eh eh eh!

ADHIAMBO: dad, amesema ndio.

PROF: sorait. Kijana what are the demographics of your generic and specific name? in other words, classify you binomial nomenclature?

JAY A: say what?

ADHIAMBO: dad is asking for your name.

JAY A: oh Jay A!

PROF: ha ha… your truncated identity causes the metamorphosism of my occipitofrontalis muscle and temporoparietalis muscle to promulgate from indifference to aerial concave.

JAY A: lol what?

ADHIAMBO: dad says your shortened name makes him laugh.

PROF: whats your indigenous habitat young man?

JAY A: wah mbuyu wako anasema nini beb?

ADHIAMBO: anauliza ushago kwenyu ni wapi?

JAY A: oh its somewhere in Nyanza cant remember.

PROF: so you are asymmetrical to homo sapiens sapiens that hold allegiance to, and abode by the lacustrine region?

ADHIAMBO: dad asks if you are a luo.

JAY A: eeh mimi ni jaluo jasakwa.

PROF: you want my aesthetically chiselled damsel to go and experdite cuisine for a present day hominid of sakwa?

JAY A: babau wacho nade yawa hun? (whats your dad saying)

ADHIAMBO: openjoni idwani atedne jasakwa?

JAY A: baba, asayi awinjo dholuo yawa. Amerka manadhie tu wiks ema bit nochacha matin. Iluonga ni James Amollo jasakwa, to ahero nyari! (Please i know dholuo. my going to America for two weeks might have confused me. I am James Amollo from Sakwa)

PROF: hapi ber, nadwachako wacho kisungu. Pod natiyo gi layman language apimgo pachi. (You are lucky, I was still using the layman’s language. i was about to start using english)

Majibu za makanga wa nai

Crazy responses from Kenyan matatu conductors.

1. An woman complains about the music, ‘Wekeni nyimbo za yesu.’
Conda: Mathee, yesu bado hajatoa album

2. Pass: Kuna kiti ama ni zile uongo zenu?
Conda: Hehe kama ulikua unaogopa kukosa kiti si ungebeba yako.

3. Pass: Bwana hii gari ina joto sana!
Conda: Basi shuka upande fridge.

4. Conda: Madam, kuna seats pale nyuma.
Pass: Siwezi kaa seats za nyuma, Nataka mbele.
Conda: Kwani za nyuma ziko nje ya gari? Basi wacha dere ashuke ukae mbele.

5. Pass: Tao ngapi?
Conda: Mbao.
Pass: Nko na ashuu.
Conda: Iyo nunua avocado ujipake uteleze mpaka tao.

Girl: Ongeza volume tuskie Mwalimu King’ang’i!
Konda: Ungeskiza Mwalimu wa shule ungekua na gari yako si kutusumbua hapa na King’ang’i.

SUNDAY SERMON: Life is not about money and wealth. Never will be

One day, a rich dad took his son on a trip to the village. He wanted to show him how poor someone could be. They spent some time on the farm of one poor family.

Later, the father asked, “Did you see how poor they are? What did you learn?” To which the son answered, “We have one dog, they have four, we have a pool, they have rivers, we have lanterns at night, they have starts, we buy foods, they grow theirs, we have walls to protect us, they have friends, we have encyclopedias, they have the Bible.” Then he added, “Thanks, dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

THESIS: Bachelors in Love and Relationship with IT

GIRLFRIEND 5.0 vs WIFE 1.0

Many clueless guys upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Ehh… Boss,

Wife 1.0 is a full fledged and complete OPERATING SYSTEM. It is programmed by the Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and revert to Girlfriend 5.0 once you have made the upgrade.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from your system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is programmed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support). If you read the manual carefully, you’ll notice that you can’t even restore or reset the system once you have upgraded.

I strongly recommend that you keep the Wife 1.0 OS but work on improving the environmental and network variables.

I also strongly recommend installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation and inevitable information/resource concurrency conflicts.

Much of the time, your best bet would be to run the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to select the APOLOGIZE command before the system resumes normal functionality.

Wife 1.0 is a great and potentially powerful program, but there is a catch! It tends to be of very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support components, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do-laundry 4.2

However, go slow on how you use these additional components.

Improper use will cause the system to pop the error message Nag-Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only surefire way to improve system performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software, Dresses 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short-Skirt 3.3,  This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and may cause irreversible damage to your entire system and any other additional hardware you may have such as, BMW 7.3

Submitted to GK University.

Married or not, you MUST read this

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.

I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping.

I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of relief. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table.

I didn’t have supper but went straight to bed and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions:

– She didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.
– She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every morning for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door. I thought she was going crazy.

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed.

So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms.

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting-room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.

I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this.

It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one.

Then she sighed, “All my dresses have grown bigger.”

I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously, I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life.

My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.

I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs.

Jane opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.

“Do you have a fever?” She asked. I moved her hand off my head.

“Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.”

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife.

The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.”

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – DEAD.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we pushed through with the divorce — At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship.

It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.

Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything.

Love never perishes, even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal.

Beauty can be destroyed, but not love

HISTORY NEWS: Maasai ang’oa gia la basi

Siku moja kwenye basi la abiria, Maasai mmoja alikuwa  akimwangalia dereva anavyo endesha basi huku akiingiza gia moja baada ya nyingine.

Ilipofika muda wa kula baada ya safari ndefu dereva akapak basi ili abiria wapate kula na kupunzika kidogo.

Waliporudi kwenye basi dereva akakuta gia ya basi imeng’olewa. Kukawa kisanga Uswahilini!

Ndipo Maasai akamwambia, “Rafiki mi niliona wewe unapata shida kung’oa hii kitu, mi tayari nimeitoa sasa hutakua na kazi ngumu.”

NgiluSinghJokes – Kenyan trends rock!

 

  • Waah…it has been declared…!!! #NgiluSinghJokes ” someone pass me the magasingh.. y’all gone b dead.

 

  • My Night has been made by this harshtag #NgiluSinghJokes Sai ni time ya kudos wacha niende MisSingh….

 

  • Langata land was just the start the next one will be the i-singh on the cake #NgiluSinghJokes

 

  • It’s all fun and games till some of you start going miSIGNH for contributing on this TT #NgiluSinghJokes

 

  • Heh.. this Land grab thing is just embarra-singh…

 

  • GoK’s Public Relations machinery is having PResSINGH issues …

 

  • Willing Buyer…Willing Singh-er…

 

  • Qstn: How do you say you feel sleepy in swahili? Ans: Naskia uSINGHizi