The blind man and the restaurant owner joke

A blind man went into a restaraunt.
‘Menu sir?’ asked the Owner.
‘I’m blind, bring me one of your dirty
forks, i will smell it and order’.
The confused owner got the fork.
The blind man smelt the fork with a
deep breath.
‘Yes! I will have a lamb, with seasoned
potatoes and spring vegetables
please’, the blind man said.
Unbelievable! Thought the restaurant
owner.
The blind man ate and left.
Two week later, the blind man
returned. The restaurant owner, eager
to know how strong the blind man’s
sense of smell was, rushed to the
kitchen where his wife, Carol, was
cooking.
And he said, ‘Sweetheart, please do
me a favour and take that fork and
rub
it on youur private parts.’
Which she did.
He then goes to the blind man and
gives him the fork.
The blind man takes the fork to his
nose and says,
‘Ooooooooh! Interesting! I never
Knew Carol works here.’
the restaurant owner fainted on the
floor.

Lady calls police station to report rape

Lady on phone!!!!
Hallo…Hallo???? Is that the Police
Station?? A man has broken into my house
n is rapingme right now! Can you
aaah…aaah…O h Yeah!…aaa…a aarrest
him tomorrow….

Rev. Stumble and Njoroge

Rev STUMBLE : Everything comes from above!
> >Njoroge : Vitu vyote huja juu juu,

STUMBLE: So you see my brothers and sisters,
> >Njoroge :…….Basi ndugu zangu waangalieni akina dada,

STUMBLE: know perfectly well,
> >Njoroge :……Na muwajue vizuri sana

STUMBLE : That all world affairs,
> >Njoroge:………Kwamba mipango ya kando yote duniani,

STUMBLE: are successful only if held from above,
>> Njoroge :………….Hufanikiwa tu ikiwa mmeshikana juu juu.

STUMBLE: Remember, faith is your pillar,
> >Njoroge:…Kumbuka kuuamini mlingoti wako,

STUMBLE: Keep it first and above,
> >Njoroge :…………..uuweke kwanza juu juu.

STUMBLE: Let it run very deep and strong,
>>Njoroge :……………Ndo kisha uukimbize ndani kabisa tena kwa nguvu,

STUMBLE :Should anybody want to test you,
>>Njoroge:…………..Mtu yeyote akitaka kukuonja,

STUMBLE :……will feel its work,
>>Njoroge :……………Ataisikia kazi yake

STUMBLE: >Then from deep inside you’ll feel peace pouring out,
> > Njoroge :……..ndo kisha baadaye utasikia kutoka ndani sehemu moja ikimwagika nje,

STUMBLE: That peace will flow and enter even those you are with,
> > Njoroge :…….Sehemu hiyo ita tiririka na kumwingia uliye naye,

STUMBLE: and that peace will remain.
> > Njoroge :…………..Na sehemu hiyo itabakia.

STUMBLE: Amen.
> > Njoroge :………… Huyo ni mwanamume

The 75 year old lady and her hat joke

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Sex? Over my dead body!

A police officer caught Chali having sex with a dead woman.

Police: Hey,how can you rape a dead person? Are you mad?

Chali: No Constable am not mad, Me & her we had an agreement.

Police: What agreement?

Chali: two years back i asked this woman to have sex with me and she said “OVER MY DEAD BODY”

Funny army wife joke

Soldier’s wife sends a nude photo daily to her husband
with both legs wide open.

Wife: I will wait like this till
you come.

Husband: That’s ok BUT who’s taking the
photo?!!

Funny toilet joke

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”

The voice said “So what are you up to?”

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”

The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my question

Dear ladies…

1. If you still sneak in at his crib around midnight and then sneak out as early as possible just coz he doesn’t want anyone to see you, do you think that’s real love? (Why can’t he just introduce you if he promised the future with you?)
2. If you haven’t met nor talk over the phone with any of his family member after a year of dating, then know you’re just his “Chips Funga”. There’s a wife at home!
3. If you don’t know where he stay after 6months of dating, then wewe ni Malenge Mbichi. Probably he doesn’t stay at the motels, hotels, lodges he normally takes you to…
4. If he cruise around Nairobi with you, spoiling you and all, but at the end of the day he goes home, then you temporarily own nothing but his car passenger seat. You’re just his car decoration, just like those glass in your mom’s sitting room (vikombe za wageni).
5. If you’re a 30years+ and know he has a wife, but still date him secretively though, then you’re lost coz he’ll never leave his wife for you. You’re just his sperm dish, where he only remembers when he wants to release his family stresses (and for that, you think his marriage is falling apart, dream on sister)
6. Trapping him with a kid as well, will only lead you suffering with child grant, wise up and play safe. No family man is prepared to settle with a slut just because she fell pregnant(We all know after telling him, he sent you for an arbotion)
7. Loving a guy for material, just because you saw him spoiling your friend and pampering her with gifts, and you’re like, you also want to be in her position, you also want the cash he used to give her, etc. Then you’re nothing but a professional prostitute, being jealous of one another’s wealthy customers
8. If you know you own no car, then why say you don’t date pedestrians while you know nothing about a car’s monthly instalment. Buy your own then start talking that crap!
9. Every successful guy has a woman behind him, if he’s single then know he’s a womaniser and the previous girl just couldn’t take it anymore or the relationship fell apart just because he wasn’t giving her attention and because of that, she started cheating to satisfy her needs since he was failing to do so
10. Preventing just because he said he’s not ready for a kid, will only lead you with nothing but womb infection and other diseases, and maybe even destroy the chance of you having children.
11. A real lady wants a ring & wedding first, just because she’s insecure. If he made you believe that
he’s yours and only yours, then where is the ring?, coz all we’re seeing is babies one after another, and it’s obvious that the reason for not proposing marriage is not because he doesn’t afford it

Wife and husband joke

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

“Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?”

“Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use … the … Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “Am just behaving the way you behave when am driving!” …

Rearrange the letters jokes

George Bush — rearrange the letters — He bugs Gore.

Dormitory — rearrange the letters — Dirty Room.

Evangelist — rearrange the letters — Evil’s Agent.

Desperation — rearrange the letters — A Rope Ends It.

The Morse Code — rearrange the letters — Here Come Dots.

Slot Machines — rearrange the letters — Cash Lost In ‘Em.

Animosity — rearrange the letters — Is No Amity.

Mother-in-law — rearrange the letters — Woman Hitler.

Snooze Alarms — rearrange the letters — Alas! No More Z’s.

A Decimal Point — rearrange the letters — I’m A Dot In Place

Eleven plus two — rearrange the letters — Twelve plus one.

And for the grand finale:

President Clinton of the USA — can be arranged into — To Copulate he finds interns …