Women promiscuity jokes

Women are smarter nowadays. Watch out

Monday 6pm:
Wife: Is that you, darling?
Wife: Tell me, the shelves in the closet are broken them?
Husband: Eh..Help yourself! I am not a carpenter

Tuesday 6pm:
Wife: Is that you darling?
Wife: Look the water is dripping like mad under the sink…can you make it stop?
Husband: Oh…are you crazy? I am not a plumber!

Wednesday 6pm:
Wife: Is that you darling?
Wife: This lump is broke, can you fix it?
Husband: Absolutely not! I am not an electrician.

Thursday 6pm:
Wife: Is that you darling?.. Everything has been fixed. The closet, the sink, the lamp….by our neighbour, the young Peter! A real do-it-yourself man, and a funny guy too! Imagine, he demanded that I either went to bed with him or baked him a cake!
Husband: Ok..and eeh..what kind of cake did you bake?
Wife: Bake?? Are you kidding? I am not a baker!…

Kikuyu: Jinsi ya kujirida na Arushababu:

1. Tebea peke yako, washana na kirede.
2. Tebea haraka haraka dugu yangu, ukikaribia Kencom ama Abassada simama then ruk reft ad rait kama mara kumi hifyo arafu fyatuka bio!!!
3. Ukiigia kwa matatu kaa karibu na mrago, Olia akiigia kwa hiyo matatu tafadhari chuka. Afadhari uede mguu. Tikwega!
4. Usinunue afocando sa Gara market au sa Gikoba. Afo ni karibu na Eastleigh na Nguruneti inawesa kuuzwa kama afocando

Promiscuity jokes

A man called his mom from the USA .

Man : Mom, I have AIDS.

Mother: Don’t come back home, my son.
Man : Why mom ?

Mother: If you come back home, then your wife will be infected. From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from him to me, from me to the gardener, from the gardener to your sister. And if your sister gets AIDs, then the whole village will be infected !

So PLEASE SAVE OUR VILLAGE, DON’T COME BACK HOME !!!!!

The laws Newton forgot to state

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change your queue, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Why mum is special

Do you know why MOM is
Special..??
when i came from the rain
Brother asked : Why don’t you take
umbrella…?
Sister advised : why Didn’t you wait till
rain stopped…?
Dad angrily warned : When you’ll get
cold, you’ll realize….
but
Mom, drying my hair SAID : Stupid
Rain….!!! Couldn’t it wait till my
child comes home….????
That’s mom!
Share this if you adore your mum

Man vs Woman phone account jokes

A WOMAN’S INBOX;

Jose: i love you gal.

M-pesa; you have received 1,500 from Martin Juma.

Mose: i miss you baby gal

Anto: are you free i take you for dinner? …

Safaricom: you have received 100shs airtime.

Omosh: gudnyt sweery

M-pesa: you have received 2,100 from Eric Maina. …

Freddy: will you be my valentine?

A MAN’S INBOX;

Cate: pliz nisambazie

Safaricom: you have insufficient funds.

Angie: woishe nibuyie lunch.

Agent: lipa nyumba ama niweke kufuli.

Safaricom: 20shs has been deducted to repay your debt.

Njeri: please call me.

Safaricom: please pay your okoa jahazi balance.

Mwende: i missed my periods.

Paul: ile deni yangu niaje?

Safaricom: please top up to continue.

Maasai Jokes

Maasai alishangaa kuona magari yakitiwa petroli kituoni, akaamini mafuta hufanya gari liende kasi. Akapeleka punda wake, akamuinua mkia akisema,

“Weka yeye ya 200/- akimbie”

Punda kuhisi kidude mwilini, akatimka mbio. Maasai akamkimbiza lakini hakumshika. Akarudi kituoni akainua shuka, akainama na kunena,

“Ero, weka mimi ya 500/- nikimbise punda yangu”

New Wikipedia Terminologies

Nyeri: A men-thumping women’s location.
Nyerian: A lady woman from Nyeri (don’t say man …otherwise utapigwa!)
Nyeriolosis – The process or procedure of a woman beating up a man.
Nyeriouch: An injury due to Nyeriolosis
Nyeriolistic devices – The tools and peripherals by which a Nyerian uses when thumping away at a man.
Nyeriotheraphy – The medical procedure invoked to bring about the process of healing from Nyeriolosis and Nyeriouch
Nyeriphobia – The adequate fear of Nyeri women (hereby called Nyerians)
Nyeriophology – The study of male-bashing and man-thumping in Nyeri

Nyeri TV shows

1. La Muher Di Mi Vita
2. Family Batters
3. Final Destination Ward 5
4. True Blood
5. Njeri Springer Show
6. The Beat
7.The Event
8. Finding Nimo (Akishakuslash na Panga)
9. So u think u can fight
10. Girls of the Panga House Mansion
11. Keeping up with the KATArshians
12. The good wife-beater
13. Mumeo must die
14. Bruises Almighty
15. Beauty and the Beast
16. My Knife and Kids
17. How I beat your father
18. Waitherero: The Last Bodybender

How Kenyan girls bend over

It’s true that…..
When a village gal BENDS OVER,she must be
collecting firewood.
When a luo gal BENDS OVER,shes collectingstones
to throw.
When a kalenjin gal BENDS OVER,shes about to
compete in a race.
When a kisii gal BENDS OVER, shes trying to cheat
in exams using mwakenya on her slippers.
… When a coast gal BENDS OVER, shes simply
sweeping the floor.
When a church gal BENDS OVER, the lord is
pleased with her prayers.
When a nyeri gal BENDS
OVER b careful she myt b searching 4 a panga to
slash somebody
When a nairobi gal BENDS OVER, the whole club
goes CRAAAIZY…!!